High Expectations. Super Power or Kryptonite?

Can having too high of expectations be holding you back?

I’ve always had high expectations for myself. A combination of perfectionism and a highly competitive nature always left me pushing myself to be the best. In junior high, it took the form of sports – playing with the boys during recess, and joining the flag football team, just so I could run with, and beat, the fastest kids in school. In high school it took the form of academics, taking all the college level classes I could, then studying every spare minute I had, to maintain perfect grades. In college, it was both. I had an academic and athletic scholarship. I was determined to continue my 4.0 in perpetuity and be at the top of my game on the tennis court. It worked, for the most part, but my mental health began to suffer. I couldn’t maintain a social life. My only social outlet was in the form of study buddies and hitting partners. I wasn’t sleeping much. I developed an eating disorder. Nothing was good enough, unless it was perfect. I’d become disappointed if I got an A‑ on the chemistry test instead of an A, upset if our team won the match, but I had played poorly. I was so stuck on my achievements, and my expectations associated with them -  I was beginning to lose sight that other outcomes could still be successful.

This is when I learned about realistic expectations.

First of all, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version of yourself and setting expectations high. The problem starts when these high expectations become so insurmountable, that you have to be absolutely perfect in order to achieve them. Defining success in such narrows terms was only setting me up for disappointment and dissatisfaction.

After graduating from college, then earning my master’s degree in neuroscience and physiology, to now, being a professional athlete, I am still setting high expectations for myself. The difference is, I’ve learned to set more realistic expectations and have a broader view of what success looks like. I maintain my standards of excellence, just with a little wiggle room.

The funny thing is, the more I reframe what success looks like, the better I perform. Let’s go through a scenario: it’s race day, and I’m visualizing my performance, telling myself I’m going to have a perfect day, feel great and win the race. But, as the race unfolds, and the halfway point hits, I start to feel tired and sick to my stomach. I’m immediately disappointed. I didn’t think about an alternative scenario. Perhaps I’d slow down and just jog it in.

Let’s go through an alternative situation, where instead of narrowly defining success, I broaden it a little, having a more realistic picture of what a race might look like. I can still visualize having a good race, and even winning it, but I also picture myself struggling, not feeling great for the entirety of the race and having to fight through low moments to get to the finish line. I also set secondary goals - to podium, reach the top 10, I set time goals also – this allows me to broaden my definition of success and set reasonable expectations for myself. It prevents burnout and increases motivation, and perhaps most importantly, it shifts my focus from an external validation to an internal one, to pursue the process instead of the achievements associated with them, and that’s what matters the most.